Insidious Darkness and Actual Light… in me

Last evening I was driving home and listening to sports-talk radio, as is my habit.  It was a nationally syndicated show.  I was hoping to hear something about NBA free agency and my beloved Portland Trailblazers… No such luck.

Instead there was a long and passionate conversation about Jerry Sandusky (convicted pedophile) and Joe Paterno (Sandusky’s decades-long boss and beloved coach of Penn State Football).  Specifically they were discussing new evidence which suggests an extensive institutional cover-up (including apparent collusion by Paterno) as reported in this CNN article: http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/30/justice/penn-state-emails/index.html?hpt=hp_c2

One of the radio hosts was particularly emotional throughout the discussion.  He wanted to discuss Paterno.  The new evidence, in the form of emails obtained by CNN, suggested that Paterno contributed to keeping the accusations of sexual abuse of children by Sandusky within the Penn State family and not reporting him to the appropriate authorities, as required by Pennsylvania law.  This host first spent considerable time articulating his life-long love of Paterno.  He spoke of him as a personal hero and then extolled the coach’s seemingly endless list of laudable acts of charity, leadership and kindness.  It was clear that he had adored Paterno since childhood.

Then his words halted like a car hitting a brick wall.  You could feel the tension in his voice over the radio waves.  In the silence, I could feel him recounting to himself Paterno’s acts of darkness as discussed in the CNN article.  When he finally spoke, he said these words, “But now… after all that we have learned… this erases everything!”  He said it like a final judgment.  To him the charitable works, the acts of leadership and kindness had become nothing.  They were now only dust.

I was shocked.

 

You might be wondering why I am writing this.  Let me assure you that it is not to make a case for Joe Paterno’s guilt or innocence.

The reason this radio diatribe moved me to write is because I am amazed by the insidious inability we humans have to accept the corruption and beauty that coexist in the human heart.  This radio host did not have a capacity to discuss the simultaneous presence of darkness and light in this public figure.  For a lifetime it seems that Paterno had been all “good.”  And today, “this erases everything,” and apparently he is now all “bad.”

This is not an indictment of the radio host.  This is a confession.

When I step outside myself and watch the dialogue in my heart, I do the exact same thing.  I walk through life relegating people into two categories in my soul:  darkness and light.  I do it dispassionately and habitually, like dealing a game of cards.  One person is dealt to “light” and the next to “darkness”.

Why can’t I accept people for what they are: insidious darkness AND glorious light.  The truth is the other person, if I only knew the truth, is more vile and disgusting then I could ever know…  They are also more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Why can’t I just be okay with that?

I am not sure the answer, but I believe that part of the answer is because I am ashamed of the darkness inside me.  As a result, I am also blind to any hint of light.  My chosen defense is to addictively judge everyone else.  It is an act of protection; it is a form of self-preservation seeping up from the basest depths of my survival instincts.

Well, I no longer want to live from those seeping depths.  I want to start to see others as whole people, full of darkness and light together.  I think the only way to do that is to declare myself in my yin and yang wholeness.

“So, dear friend, I want to confess to you that I am full of insidious darkness and glorious light.  Don’t even try to conceive the extent… the boundaries defy imagination.  Even so, I hope you can find the grace to accept me.  And I pray I can find the grace to accept myself in my entirety, which in the end is the only truth.”

3 Responses to “Insidious Darkness and Actual Light… in me”

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